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“Ani can I talk to you?”

“Yea, sure. What’s up?”

“I knew I could call you. I knew I could tell you anything. This is so embarrassing.”

“Of course… what’s going on?”

I already know what’s going on. I don’t need to ask. This woman is interested in a man who’s not her husband… and she’s married with kids.  

This happens frequently: a married women flirting with the dangers of another man. But people don’t talk about it, so we feel alone and ashamed when it happens to us. As mothers we are very protective of our families, so the thought of being interested in another man, no matter how tantalizing, is also extremely dangerous–which of course is part of the lore.

Through the danger, the loneliness, the shame, guilt, self-judgment, curiosity, thrill, and sensuality we wade through a sea of emotions… so welcome and yet so very unwanted. At least we think it’s not truly wanted.

In the normal perception of  “how life is supposed to be,” these flirty episodes are can feel very threatening. And worse, they could lead to something like the breakup of your marriage. But what if life is actually different than you think it is? What if none of this is about “that guy” at all? I have a scenario I want you to try to imagine to help me illustrate my point.

I want you to imagine for a second that you are the only person that exists… just you. Imagine that every single person you see is a mirror, reflecting parts of your personality. There are parts that you love and parts that you hate. There are parts that are weird and parts that are “normal,” Every person is a piece of you and a grand opportunity to learn about and explore the landscape of “who you really are.”  Imagine for a moment that you are the only person that exists and this is how “reality” works.

You have a husband and kids who, of course in this story, reflect parts of you. A lot of these reflections are parts of you that you can’t understand and can’t conceive that they have anything to do with you. The kids are crazy, the husbands getting fat and lazy… and that’s not you… not at all.

You go to the gym, you take care of EVERYTHING, you manage the house and you keep everyone fed and borderline sane. Without you everything would all fall apart. And because these parts of you that they reflect are so different from the “costume” you wear on the outside, the wife-who-has-it-all-together outfit, you have forgotten the rules of the game, that you are the only one that exists.

Until him.

For the first time in a long time you feel sexy. For the first time in a long time your crotch tingles. You’re turned on, excited, engaged, giddy, happy… and because you forgot that you are the only person that exists and everyone else is just a mirror for yourself, you think that these new sensations are HIM. HE turns you on. HE makes you feel special. HE makes you feel attractive. HE is the person you want to be around. He makes you feel like a woman again, a girl, a sexy female. He makes you feel like a human animal.

But you’ve forgotten: he doesn’t exist, this man who you see. He is just a part of you that has gotten pushed SO far down inside and has been SO long forgotten that it’s coming up for air! She’s suffocating down there so she needed a life preserver. And she got one. Him.

Now forget that little game for a second, because it’s reality. The mirror thing? That’s how it actually works. You may think that it’s this man that you are in love with, but it’s really YOU. It’s the feelings that you get when you’re around him (that live in YOUR body), it’s the attraction you feel (that lives in YOUR body). You feel attractive (which is a perception that lives in YOUR head) and engaged and alive (because it’s new, exciting and risky… sensations and emotions that are YOURS.)

WE own these feelings and sensations and yet we give them away to some guy, thinking HE is the cause, because he looks delicious in a T-shirt at the gym and we’re tired of our husbands farting (literally) around the house in their saggy underwear.

If you want to throw it all away and go off with this guy who you THINK is the answer, go for it. But I guarantee you, in a short amount of time, you will meet yourself, in a new relationship, washing some new guy’s saggy underwear. Because this whole thing has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

If you want to have an affair without cheating on your husband, you need to ditch the guy at the gym, or better yet, be proactive and have your affair before you get so bored with life that you need the life preserver. It will take a lot of courage, but I assure you, if you have a really wildly sensual affair, not only will you avoid cheating, but also it could save your marriage.

Who is the affair with? The only person that exists of course: you. The following are 9 ideas for creating a wildly arousing affair with yourself.

1. Date yourself

If you were to take yourself on a date, for the pure fun of it, what would you do? Would you go out to dinner or a movie? Whatever it is, put a date on the calendar and MAKE – IT – HAPPEN.

2. Dress up for yourself

Pick an outfit at least 5 days out of the week that makes you feel sexy and wear them. Let yourself feel amazing. And look in the mirror and tell yourself, “damn girl!” Dress for you because you love yourself.

3. Let yourself flirt

Men will take notice, probably even your husband, when you start to dress up. Let those feelings of being seen and admired soak in. If you’re approached, you can assure the men that you’re taken… because you are dating yourself.

4. Move your body

Find a time when no one’s home, or if the situation is really desperate, lock yourself in the largest bathroom in your house, put on some headphones and dance. Now I’m not talking about some choreographed thing. Just move your body to the rhythm and feel it moving through you. Shake it, roll it work it and tell yourself how sexy you are when you move.

5. Touch your body

Now we don’t have to be talking about masturbation, although we certainly could be! Massage yourself, use lotion or coconut oil and rub your skin. Feel how good that touch feels and how amazing your skin feels afterward.

6. Buy yourself flowers

Go to the florist and get whatever you like and put your flowers where you can be with them. Sometimes when I buy myself flowers I get a tiny bouquet I can keep in my car since I drive so much. Then I take them out to go in my office and bring them back home.

7. Get a massage

Get yourself touched and loved up with a yummy massage. For an added benefit take a mineral bath or a steam. Your body will love the sensory sensuality!

8. Write love letters

Get some beautiful notecards and write love letters to yourself, to your friends or to your family. Expressing your love and gratitude will increase your feelings of joy and satisfaction.

9. Do something crazy

I had a client one time who was afraid her marriage might break up and she was SO afraid of being out of control, I asked her to run around the outside of her house naked (don’t worry, she lives in the country). She did it! And it broke a magic spell of “stuffy mom” syndrome.

When we spend all of our time taking care of whining, crying, laughing, screaming little people who can’t have a decent human conversation it makes us go a little crazy, in the bad way. Do something crazy in a good way and break out of the pattern of each day bleeding into the next. Go howl at the moon, dance in the dark, skinny dip, jump out of a plane, drive a racecar, learn to play the drums… do something crazy. Your life–and marriage–depends on it.

These men, the ones that make us want to stray–show up at just the right time to remind us of who we are. We are beautiful, sexy, sensual, attractive, lovely, smart, wonderful women. Have an affair with yourself, remind yourself how amazing you are. Likely your husband will perk up too. And if he’s lucky, you’ll have an affair with him next.